First Time for Everything

This past weekend was full of firsts.

On Friday, I held my friend's baby boy for the first time since my miscarriage. I was so nervous that I wouldn't feel right holding him...that I would feel sadness or envy or anxiety or all of the above. But when I looked at his darling face, all I saw was a little cherub, and all I felt was peace.

That afternoon, I also bought my first antique piece of furniture, from the first psychic I'd ever met, from the first garage sale I'd been to that didn't have just crap for sale. Ok, there was some crap...but it was good crap.

On Saturday, my husband and I met 3 of his cousins for the first time, from a side of his family that had essentially been forgotten. Long story behind that one. I sat directly across from said cousin's wife at the dinner table. She's 4 months pregnant. With twins. One boy and one girl, to be exact. Her long silver necklace danced off her perfectly prego belly. It was hard not to notice. I wasn't in the waiting room at the doctor's office where I could bury my nose in a magazine (although I tried to do that with my menu, but it only lasted an awkward 3 minutes or so). There she was, right in front of me. After some polite banter regarding their due date, etc., the cousin asked us, "So, do you guys have kids?"And there It was. The Dreaded Question. A moment so highly anticipated (not in a good way) that it caused me anxiety of epic proportions. I had really thought that when it came down to this, all I would be able to mutter were mere sentence fragments:
"Uh...kids, nope. Can I..the...uh...menu...hmmm...Caesar. Salad". Everyone else that was normally around us knew what had happened and wouldn't even bring it up. But how could I fault someone we'd never met, that had no clue? Instead of launching into a short bio of my life and/or inappropriate pig latinesque speak, hubby and I just smiled, with a "No kids yet, but definitely in the future!" Admittedly, those words stung like the time I had chicken pox, and no amount of Calamine lotion or Aveeno baths could provide any relief. I have a scar on my forehead to prove it. I had to scratch, I couldn't stop myself!

Ok maybe that's a little dramatic. It wasn't that bad.

Firsts, firsts, firsts.

They sometimes can be pretty rough, producing those stomach-churning feelings of anxiety. First day of work at a new job. First day of school. First date. First kiss. First time you miss your seat at a Cubs game and fall down, spilling your drink on the 3 guys sitting next to you, one of which is a guy you really like and have only known a few weeks (and would later turn out to be my husband). Wait...you mean that's never happened to you before? I guess some firsts aren't universal.

One thing that I do know to be true, for the most part, about firsts is this: There's only one of them. Once you get through whatever it is, it generally gets a bit easier. It's the unknown that can make us panic. But once we've lived it, there will never be a first for it again.

The first day with new coworkers turns into weeks of regular routine. The first day of school leads you to knowing the combination on your hallway locker so well that you couldn't forget it if you tried. First dates sometimes lead to a second and third, maybe a lifetime, maybe never again. You won't likely ever get chicken pox again after you've had them once. And in my case, if I ever fall down at a Cubs game again, I probably will just laugh. After all, it wouldn't be the first time.

xoxo
K