Message in a Bottle

I decided about a week ago that it would be a good idea to put my one (and only) ultrasound picture in a glass jar and send it out to sea...literally. Lucky for me, I had the perfect opportunity to do so when I was in Florida this past weekend, visiting my brother.

The thing is that I just didn't have the heart to throw the picture out in the trash, where the "Congrats, Mommy-To-Be!" cards ended up. It felt wrong. The thought of the photograph drifting in the ocean somehow made me feel peaceful. As if the baby would have made it, he or she would have been a great swimmer, an avid snorkeler, or a boating enthusiast. All things that I am not. Or maybe, he/she would have been a lover of the beach, the salty air, the sunshine. All things that I am.

The time came. I brought the "memorial" with me on the last day of our visit, knowing that it was the right moment to say goodbye to the last tangible memory I had of what could have been. The picture wasn't alone; I made sure to include a prayer card with the Virgin Mary and a note that read "IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO OCEAN"...which would of course be illegible by the time the water got in there and smeared everything...or it could end up soaked in BP oil...but it still made me feel better. I wrote a personal note on the back of the ultrasound photo, letting the little soul know that we would never forget and would always love. I combed the beach for the prettiest shells that would fit inside the jar, and topped it off with some sand. My brother and hubby added sand as well. It was a breaking bread moment for all of us. My obnoxious sunglasses covered up my teary farewell. Then, despite his fear of jellyfish and JAWS, my husband swam out far enough to make sure the memorial would drift away.

It was so dang hard to let go of that jar. To say goodbye. It was my own way of trying to make peace, trying to surrender to the fact that I had no control over what happened. It broke a part of my heart. But it also mended a piece, too.

I can't help but think of Message in a Bottle by The Police. It's one of my favorite songs.

Just a castaway. An island lost at sea.

Only hope can keep me together. Love can mend your life but love can break your heart.

Walked out this morning. Don't believe what I saw. A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I'm not alone at being alone. A hundred billion castaways looking for a home.

I'm sending out an S.O.S. to you, dear readers, wherever you are in the vast Sea of Blog. Remember that you aren't alone.

xoxo
K